After the infuriating events of this morning, I went back to bed. And then I feel asleep. And sleeping was so nice. I didn’t have a single bad dream and real life wasn’t actually happening to me for a whole hour. So peaceful!
Then I went about my day as normally as I could, trying not to be too much of a drag for the people around me. My friend took me out for a nice, long taco lunch. I forgot about my troubles for a minute or two.
When I returned home this afternoon, Maddie was in the kitchen making herself some pasta.
“How are you?” she asked.
“Okay. How are you?” I asked without a lot of warmth.
“Fine!”
And indeed she was fine. She had no “cheeks,” her stomach felt fine, and she appeared rested.
“So, why did you not go to school today?” I ventured to ask.
“I don’t know,” she said, somewhat regretfully. (As in, “I’m really not sure what the hell I was thinking.”)
“Well, you’re going to school tomorrow.”
A nod in agreement. Not exactly the remorse and/or enthusiasm I was hoping for, but it was a start.
She still is in possession of her phone. She made sure of that. In fact, in order to motivate her to shower (which I desperately wanted her to do), I had to promise I wouldn’t take it while she was in there. Fair enough. I wanted her to clean up. And I want her to trust me.
I didn’t say I wouldn’t take it later, though.
You are probably thinking, Well, you’d better take it since you said you would!
And in a way, you’d be right. What are threats of consequences without the follow-through? They’re stupid and pointless, that’s what.
On the other hand, if I take her phone away, then I no longer have leverage. And I really need leverage. That is the problem. Leverage isn’t a sometimes/weekendy/bad-day requirement. It’s a bi- or tri- or quad-daily requirement, and there just aren’t many ways to have leverage with her. So far we’ve addressed the phone and sleepovers. There are a couple of other electronic devices, but then that’s it.
So, let’s say over the next day or two she ends up with no phone or TV or sleepovers. Then Thursday morning comes and she doesn’t want to get up, and then what do I do? Nothing. Cuz I’m screwed. And I’ve done it to myself.
Also, the idea of the carrot and/or stick system is that you will hopefully influence a change in behavior. It’s not for fun, that’s for sure. Do I like punishing my kid? No, I do not. Not one bit. So if a carrot doesn’t work and a stick doesn’t work–like, ever–what is the point?
The point is, for me at least, that I’m trying something. That I’m not just a doormat hoping something will change and shrugging if (or really when) it doesn’t. The outcome might be the same (Maddie does what she wants and I go back to bed, defeated), but at least I will have tried to do something.
At my Thursday morning therapy session last week, my wonderful psychologist (also life coach and cheerleader) said this about my parenting: The success is in the commitment that I have to parenting. The achievement is the trying.
Well, thank goodness for that. If trying is what counts, maybe I deserve a medal. If commitment is what matters, where the heck is my Nobel prize? Or even a really high-quality chocolate bunny? I would accept that (although jewelry is better).
So that was a good life lesson. The achievement is the trying itself.
Here’s another lesson that really hit home today after the phone swipe and stand-off in the driveway:
If my head hasn’t actually exploded by now, I think it’s safe to say it’s just not going to.
The Year of Living Hopefully 