Hello dear readers! I have been neglecting my blog for far too long. When I first began writing, I had so many years of bottled up thoughts and emotions, they just came pouring out. And then I was afraid every day would be the same: Today she went to school! Bleh, today she didn’t. And that’s boring for everybody. I also think I needed some time away from dwelling on it all. And then I became obsessed with the election, so in an ironic turn of events, I ended up trading in one struggle for another, but the one I tried to put aside was much more personal, so it was kind of a relief to turn my energies outward, away from my inner struggle, away from my home and my own life, and toward something greater than myself.
And while I continue that path of looking further outward, I am faced once again with the same old thing: A certain somebody isn’t going to school.
School began in August, and as usual I was hopeful yet realistic. That’s me in a nutshell. I know what to expect most of the time. I try not to be pessimistic, but rarely am I overly optimistic. Maybe that’s a survival skill because the less you expect, the less disappointed you’ll be–at worst–and the more delighted you might be when the outcomes exceed those expectations.
It’s a good thing, too, because let’s just say I haven’t been “delighted” at all this year.
School started on a Wednesday in August. Maddie got up on time and I got her to school BEFORE THE BELL RANG. I’m not sure if that’s happened a single other time in the last two years. And it was so nice to drive up and have people waiting there to shout “MADZ!” enthusiastically, open her car door to let her out, and greet our wiggling dogs who accompany us every day on the trip to school.
She arrived home in good spirits after a day well spent with old friends. An excellent way to kick off the year.
And then Thursday came and she wouldn’t get up. Friday, either. Nor the next Monday. Or Tuesday. Finally I got her to go on Wednesday. And that is how the year started for us. Disastrously.
It was right about that time that I got a migraine. I get them often, and I have for years. I have a special migraine medication that sometimes works, but more often it doesn’t. Nothing else I have tried works, either. I usually just have to suffer and then maybe I’ll feel better after I sleep. And I actually hadn’t taken my Maxalt for months. It was sooooo nice not to think about migraines for a chunk of time. And then one Sunday, there it was. And then it was there Monday. And Tuesday. And Wednesday. And for the next nine weeks, I had one almost every day. All day. I went to the urgent care clinic twice for morphine shots. They didn’t work. I saw my neurologist twice and she sent me home with a grocery bag full of drug samples. I had massages and saw my chiropractor. Nothing worked. I’ve tried acupuncture and even a special injection between my vertebrae at one point some years ago, and those didn’t work either. I’ve also tried Botox all up and down my back and neck and all over my face, and all that did was give me a two-week migraine. So I didn’t even bother with any of those this time. Mostly I just suffered. Not mostly. Completely.
But every day I still got out of bed at 6:30 a.m. with the intention of getting Maddie out of bed and off to school, including the miserable (when you have a migraine) hour-long roundtrip. Some days she went, some days she didn’t, and eventually I started to lose my resolve. She could most certainly see I didn’t have much energy to put into those morning battles, so as the headaches continued, when she shook her head or burrowed back into her covers for the third time in the morning, I just went back to bed.
At one point my therapist said she was worried I was going to have a heart attack. “Me too,” I replied. And I meant it. This was getting serious.
So one morning about two weeks ago, after a few weeks of a near-perfect failure record, I looked at Maddie and said, “It seems to me you don’t intend to go to school.” And she knew what I meant: not just that day, but really ever.
“Nope,” she replied casually. Well, okay then.
When I tell people that story, they typically offer their sympathy and shared horror. But to me it was a relief. Maybe I could quit fighting. I wouldn’t have to wake up early every morning and head into battle knowing I would most likely be defeated. Yet another exercise in futility awaited me every morning, and with it, I suspected, a migraine.
So for the past couple of weeks, since that brief but powerful discussion, we have both had a vacation. I just let her do whatever. She would sit in her room, headphones one, belting out her favorite songs, oblivious to the world around her. I got to sleep in a bit and wake up to a more normal and healthy existence, one with tasks and challenges to be sure, but not the inevitable swim upstream…into a metaphoric wall.
And guess what? The migraines have subsided a bit. I feel more relaxed. I’m sleeping better. I still have investigation to do and doctors to see (my neurologist actually said the words, “There’s nothing more I can do for you” and referred me to a special migraine group at the hospital), but I have certainly had some level of relief.
Stress always has a way of getting to me (and probably you) one way or another. For me it tends to bury itself deep in my psyche and then manifest in a physical way. Like the time when my kids were small and they were screaming in the back seat of the car, and I thought to myself, “Wow, I’m remarkably calm!” And immediately after that thought passed, my eye started to twitch. Sure, calm on the outside, not so much on the inside. If you know me, you know that. I’m damned calm. I fool even myself a lot of the time. Until the eye-twitch or the stomach problems or the migraine. Then I know something has to change.
Alas, this little vacation is coming to a close. We are not giving up on Maddie’s education, not quite yet. There are so many things yet to try. I’m not looking forward to trying, especially, because of my annoying grip on reality. But here we go anyway.
More on that coming soon!
The Year of Living Hopefully 