teenager

Let’s Be Serious for a Minute

Chris Irvine, Parent CoachLeave a comment

My parenting style is loose and fun. I’m sure I could be more of a disciplinarian, but that’s just not my personality. My typical way of thinking is whatever is funny wins. I’m also a big softie. I like to snuggle and play and give back rubs, and as my mom used to do, absolutely smother my kids with love when they’re sick. Well, my own mom’s style wasn’t quite as snuggly, but she always loved us by doing things for us. You’re sick? Chocolate chip ice cream will make you feel better? Well, then, you shall have it. I say that all the time. Well, then, you shall have it!

Ask our two dogs. If there’s an alpha dog, I’m not it. I’m more of a roll-around-on-the-ground-and-play type of person. They sleep on our bed (yes, two people and two dogs fit nicely on a California king, it turns out), and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It would be better if they were more well-trained. I know that. But I need an alpha to step in and make it happen. It’s just not me. Is there a Greek letter for goofball? I wish.

And most of the time, I think my style works. I’m close to my kids. They’re open with me. We like to hang out together. They both tell me they love me all the time. Those words come easily. I hope they continue to come easily for all the other relationships in their lives.

We’re also the house where the boys come to play. My son’s friends are here often, and I love it. The other moms might say, when they hear I’ve got five seventh grade boys over here, “You’re so nice!” But really I enjoy their presence. They’re great kids and I’m happy they like to come here. I hope that never ends.

And then there are days like today. Maddie won’t get out of bed. She was awake for several hours during the night.

I’m sympathetic. I’ve spent the last 15 years of my life in a state of sleep deprivation for one reason or another. It is a rare morning that I wake up to my alarm without having first been woken up by an animal. For years it was the kids. Now it’s the dogs. Sometimes a cat. Sometimes everybody. There were many years when I would have spent at least some of the night in each bed in the house. I would wear a watch to bed because I never knew where I’d end up in the morning, and I wanted to be sure to know what time it was when I woke up. Sometimes I even ended up sleeping horizontally across the bottom of our bed, my legs tucked under me, because I had a husband and a kid and a dog in the bed, and that’s all that was left. Maybe 1/8 of the bed in the bottom corner. I’d pick up the end of the covers and slide in gently, so I wouldn’t wake anybody up. And yes, I could actually sleep that way. Desperate times, you know. So, if anybody has empathy for a tired person, it’s me.

But I also know about having to get up and do it anyway. That’s today’s mantra…AGAIN. Maddie has a hard time with that concept, as you all now know. “I’m too tired. I can’t think,” she says.

“Well, you’ll still get more out of being at school than NOT being at school,” I reply. I even offer to pick her up at lunch time because most of her more rigorous classes happen in the morning today. I’m so nice!

I spend maybe 45 minutes working on her this morning. She’s not budging. Finally, she says, “I’ll just go in later.” That’s really not acceptable to me because I don’t want her to think mornings are that flexible. I insist that she get up now or she will be cutting school and will face consequences both at home and at school.

“Come here,” she wiggles her finger, motioning for me to come closer. I am standing in the doorway to her room, maybe five feet away. I don’t really want to go in there again because there’s really nothing else to discuss. I have said what I have to say. “Come here,” she begs again. I give in.

“I’m confused,” she says. Confused about what, I cannot imagine. “I’m confused,” she starts again. “Usually you’re so nice to me…” I can’t even listen to the rest. I just leave.

So there you have it. Yes, I’m nice. I’m fun. I joke around a lot. But I can be serious when I need to be. And this morning I am serious. I’m also frustrated and a little mad. I’m pretty sure she’s trying to manipulate me. I don’t think of her as being manipulative in general. Or dramatic. But I’m pretty sure she’s trying something underhanded now. She’s pretty clever and she’s incredibly determined. Maybe this will work.

Well, it doesn’t. I don’t even respond to that comment. “I’ve told you the rules,” I say. “I’m done talking about it.”

I remember the last time she wouldn’t go to school. When I spoke with her teacher, Mr. L., he encouraged me to get her to school whenever I could. Some of the day is better than none of the day. So this morning, after recalling that conversation, I agree to take her later. She will miss geometry, the one class of the day I’d prefer she not miss. But something is better than nothing. “I’ll take you for second period,” I offer.

“I don’t know when I’ll be done sleeping,” she replies. Oh hell no. I know what that means. Sleep all day, and Oh look I missed the whole day. Oh well!

“I’ll give you and hour and a half,” I concede. That’ll get here to school for second period. Better than nothing, I think.

She’s in bed. She now has about 45 more minutes until I try again. I have to admit, based on my past experiences, I am not optimistic. My head hurts. Yesterday’s migraine is trying to make a comeback. If I’m on the fence, stress will push me over. And this is stressful. I’m feeling discouraged. I am trying to hold on to our recent successes rather than let today overshadow my optimism. But at the moment, that shadow is pretty dark. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. And maybe some strong drugs for my head.

And here I am, holding my head and pondering my parenting style. You know what? I’m still okay with it. Most of the time it serves our family well. I try, through humor, to keep our family life light and fun in what is often a relatively stressful situation (the whole special needs kid thing). And it works. I’m serious when I need to be, but otherwise, forget it. Let’s do what we have to do, but let’s also have a good time. That balance is eluding me a little today. I’m not sure where that line will fall. But I will try my best. That’s all I can do. So I will pat myself on the back, give myself an A for effort, and see what happens.

A Sword Story Part II

Chris Irvine, Parent CoachLeave a comment

When you have a special needs kid, so many ideals that might have been important seem to fall by the wayside. Getting straight A’s (or whatever) or making the A team give way to things like making a good friend or being accepted. Seriously, that’s what all of us special needs parents dream of. It’s a hard road, sometimes, because we have no control and really very little influence. We try to put our kids in situations where they will have some success, but ultimately other people are involved, and there’s nothing we can really do about that. We try to help, and then we hope for the best.

So last week when Maddie went to school with her well-crafted duct-tape sword, and then came home with requests for two custom ones, I was thrilled. It wasn’t the response I had expected. At all. Wouldn’t you think that in high school, bringing a homemade duct tape sword (or really a sword of any kind) would be the source of open ridicule? Or at the very least a reason for sideways glances and judgmental murmurings?

Well, not only has this not been the case (as far as I can tell), the response has been quite the opposite.

Maddie arrived home from school today while I was out with the dogs. When I arrived home, she was exactly where I expected her to be: flat on her back in her room watching her favorite anime, which, I was delighted to learn recently, has twenty-seven seasons…so far. Every time she announces she has completed a season, I congratulate her on her excellent skills in TV-watching. Thankfully, she’s used to my sarcasm.

The first thing on my mind is always homework, but I try to play it cool and get some information about her day before I dive in to the serious stuff. I’m interested in that, of course, but kind of worried about the homework situation. When I greeted her, I smiled and asked how her school day was.

Her face lit up and she smiled. Big. “Awesome!” she exclaimed. Not just the usual answer of “great,” so I had a feeling something special had happened. She reached over to her nightstand and picked up a piece of paper, then unfolded it and handed it to me. Clearly she was excited about whatever was written down there.

The entire page was filled with writing. And it said:

“Pink and purple. No tail.”

“Blue and red, white tail, no black.”

Six entries in all. They are orders for swords. Six more people want her to make her signature duct-tape swords and bring them to school. I couldn’t believe it.

That truly is the opposite of what I expected. Not only were her swords not met with derision; they are desired. Maddie has something special, and at least some kids (and at least two teachers) recognize and celebrate it.

What my husband and I have always focused on, and desired most for Maddie at school, is the social piece. Sure, we want her to learn and develop herself intellectually. But more than anything we have put our dreams into Maddie having friends and being accepted. We want her to be respected, liked, and admired for the special gifts she has. She’s nerdy in the typical sense, but way cooler than most kids in the most meaningful ways. (Nerds rule, by the way.)

When she was at the private school, ALL the kids were “quirky.” It’s a school for learning differences, after all, so different is expected. For those three years, she was able to break away from the public middle school, especially, and just be herself in a place where there are no mean girls (though still some drama), no cliques, no way to get lost in the shuffle because it’s such a small school. And she emerged from there a young lady with an unusual sense of confidence in herself. We just hoped that confidence wouldn’t be crushed by her return to a more typical high school setting.

So today, the day of the big sword order, my heart is full. I don’t think Maddie sees the larger significance of this event, but she definitely feels something powerful. She feels important, I think. And she should feel important.

So I will happily buy all the duct tape and PVC pipe she needs to fulfill her orders. I envision an entire school of kids walking around with Maddie’s duct-tape swords. I know that’s a fantasy, but I’m going to enjoy that vision while I watch Maddie work diligently to complete her creations. And feeling pretty cool while she does it.

What a Difference a Day Makes

Chris Irvine, Parent CoachLeave a comment

This weekend I was elated. Maddie had a fair amount of math homework to do, and once I got her started, she went into her room, closed the door, and ACTUALLY DID HER HOMEWORK. I let her listen to music, even though her phone is involved, and that could lead to all kinds of distractions. I assured her at any moment I could burst through her door, so she’d better not be enjoying any screen time or there would be trouble. Happily, to my surprise, she buckled down and did her work.

Some time later, I checked on her. She was on her phone. I admit I was skeptical that everything was in order, but instead of being accusatory, I simply asked, “Did you finish all your homework?”

“Yes!” she answered with enthusiasm. She was light and happy. And now I was too.

“Maddie!” I said. “I think you’re transforming yourself as a student!”

She looked at me and smiled.

“Don’t you think so?” I added.

“Well, I do NOW!” she replied. She smiled. I was so glad I had said that.

I wanted her to feel the satisfaction and pride that come along with that accomplishment. I realized then that this new leaf might blow away with the fall winds, or dry up and disappear by the next day, but it was important that Maddie have this idea that she CAN transform. I believe she can.

Yesterday was a good day.

And now it’s today. It’s only 7:25 a.m. and I’m already rather discouraged. That’s not to say I don’t believe in Maddie anymore. It’s just that reality has set in. One good day doesn’t mean even one other good day.

I woke up her at 6:30. I’m so nice about it. I bring our little white fluff ball of a puppy with me and he wiggles and wriggles and buries his head in her blanket trying to gain access to her face for some kisses. Maddie lets our dogs lick her right in the face, and Banjo was going for it. It’s the best possible way to wake up because you can’t possibly be mad. It’s too adorable.

I stayed for awhile, searching for her favorite sneakers, getting out some shorts for this hot day and a shirt I was pretty sure she’d be excited to wear. And then the inevitably difficult search for a matching pair of socks. She doesn’t care if they match, but since she’s wearing shorts today, I put in some extra effort.

“I’ll be back,” I said.

My mornings are full of trips upstairs and downstairs. Up to work on breakfast and lunch, down to try to persuade Maddie to get up. It’s not unusual for me to make 5 or 7 round trips. (I have developed some pretty healthy calf muscles over the years!) This morning was typical.

Usually by the third time I go to Maddie’s room, I start to get a little stressed out. I try so hard to keep calm, and this morning I was pretty successful. But 15 minutes before the cab was to arrive, she was still wrapped up in her blanket. “Maddie! You HAVE to get up!” I announced. I have to admit, there was probably a little panic in my voice by this point.

“Don’t rip my blanket off! I’m getting up.” Shortly after that she was in the bathroom. Problem solved. It was cutting it close but she was up. It would all be okay.

At 7:10 she still had not appeared in the kitchen. Her breakfast had been sitting on the bar waiting for her. I still had to put her lunch in her backpack and fill up her water bottle. I ran downstairs, and there she was back in bed. She sleeps cocoon-style, wrapped in her blanket head to toe. I couldn’t believe it, which is kind of hilarious now that I think about it. The bigger surprises are when Maddie does what she’s supposed to do. This was a typical morning.

So I grabbed her clothes and together we got her dressed. It’s absolutely ridiculous for me to be dressing my rather curvy 15-year-old daughter. But the point was to get her to school, so I overlooked the absurdity of the situation and did what needed to be done. Well, not overlooked exactly. I just did the absurd anyway.

In her usual fashion, while I was running up and down the stairs as if the house was on fire, Maddie stopped to pet the puppy. In times of panic, she will still stop what she is doing to pet a dog, consider a question, or even just for dramatic effect. That last one makes my blood boil. Well, they all kind of do.

So this morning at that 7:10 mark, when I was scrambling to get her socks on her feet, I asked Maddie, “What were you THINKING?”

The truthful answer: “I wasn’t thinking at all.”

And therein often lies the problem. Most people would at least consider the outcome. It would be obvious that not getting up would come with some consequences. I don’t even think she was planning to stay home exactly. She just didn’t want to get up. Does that make sense? No, not really. But in her mind, only the not getting up part was relevant.

At about 7:18 she headed out to meet the cab in our driveway. I had heard the car drive up at 7:15, right on schedule. I hate for her to be late, but the cab driver is patient.

The moment she walked out the door, I was so relieved. I had been up for about an hour, and that hour is often the most stressful part of my day. My primary jobs as a parent are to keep my kids safe and fed, love them, and to get them to school. There is a mountain of other parenting to do as well, but those are the fundamentals. So at 7:15 when Maddie is gone, I feel triumphant. I really do. I accomplished something really important today.

What will tomorrow morning be like? Probably a lot like today. What about this afternoon? How much homework awaits, and will she do it willingly and independently? I expect to be challenged. That’s me keeping at least one foot in reality. I have to do that, otherwise I will be constantly disappointed. I prefer to be pleasantly surprised like I was yesterday with the homework thing.

Here’s hoping for an easy afternoon and a pleasant surprise in the morning despite the high probability of a repeat of today.

A Sword Story

Chris Irvine, Parent CoachLeave a comment

As I’ve mentioned before, Maddie is somewhat of a duct tape savant. If something needs making or fixing, she will brandish her duct tape and insist on using it, for better or worse. Fortunately, now there is a thing called Duck Tape. The silver stuff is for losers. If you’re cool, you’ll use black or white or Hello Kitty or tie-dye or neon orange or green or Star Wars Duck Tape. Or zebra. Or cheetah.

The summer before last, at the performing arts camp Maddie loves so much, she had the opportunity to participate in a sword-making class. The materials: PVC pipe, foam, and–you guessed it–duct tape. There could be no greater match of creative ideas for Maddie than swords and duct tape.

The first one she brought home was covered in tie-dye duct tape. Since then she has made several more, often with bamboo sticks from our backyard or other sticks she finds in the neighborhood. She is inspired by the procurement of the perfect specimen. And she has now added cardboard to the mix. We always seem to have some, so it has replaced the foam that forms the shape around the pipe or sticks.

A couple times this year she has taken a sword or two to school. When she was at her private school, I thought nothing of it. There are all kinds of kids there, and no interest or passion is deemed strange or surprising. I’ve met kids who know everything about trains or presidents, or who can solve a Rubik’s cube in 30 seconds. One of Maddie’s best friends over the years was a girl who not only colored her hair blue and had mastered the art of make-up, but also loved Marvel comics as much as Maddie loves DC. So bringing a sword to school was no big deal.

But I was a little worried about how it would go over at the new public high school. Most of what I know about that school is based on what I’ve heard from other people. It has a reputation for having an atmosphere of acceptance. The kids pride themselves on being “weird.” The students look pretty normal to me, but you never know. It’s all new territory for both Maddie and me.

So imagine my surprise when on our way home from school today, Maddie asked me to stop at the hardware store for some PVC pipe. She needed some to make two new swords for kids at school. A boy named Oliver, whom she had met only once before, admired her craftsmanship, so she offered to make him one. His friend (name unknown) asked for one as well.

I never saw that coming! Not only was Maddie not chastised or ostracized, she was admired! What a nice turn of events.

I have to say, though, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. When Maddie was in fifth grade, she was a “techie” for the school talent show. Only fifth graders are allowed to work backstage, and she was excited to do it. At first, her job was going to be managing the curtains. I was worried about that. She’s smart and observant, but speed isn’t exactly her strong suit, and efficiently manning the curtains was essential to moving the rather lengthy show along. Fortunately, her job was changed before the show. She was to stand off to the left of the stage, by the stairs, wait for the exiting act to hand her the microphone, and then take it back to the other side of the stage for the next act while it was being announced. So most of the time she was just watching the show from just off stage, on a stair landing slightly lower than the stage.

As you can imagine, most of the acts involved music. And my kid loves music. She also loves to dance. And she has little inhibition. So as the dancers and singers and musicians performed on stage, there was Maddie just over to the left, out of the lights, boogying away. She has some pretty groovy moves, and the audience got to enjoy them throughout the show.

I was absolutely dying in my seat. I didn’t expect this little side show. But watching her just being her loose and groovy self made me so happy.

It made other people happy, too. I cannot tell you how many parents approached me in the hours, days and weeks to come to tell me how much they loved watching Maddie, how she was their favorite part of the show. She was just so free up there, oblivious to being watched, just moving her body to the music to make herself happy. It. Was. Awesome.

Sometimes I worry about Maddie’s ability to fit in. Right now she is spending much of her time with a couple of boys. It has always been easier for her to hang out with the guys. They’re less socially complicated and demanding. I wish she had girlfriends, too, and I guess she does have a couple. But she prefers to spend time with the guys. Maybe it’s because they like things like swords.

I really should stop worrying, though. Clearly she can be her true self, and there will somebody–or a lot of somebodies–who will appreciate her for that.

A Tale of Gratitude

Chris Irvine, Parent CoachLeave a comment

The last few days there has been a massive fire raging in two nearby counties. Tens of thousands of acres are in flames, several hundred houses have burned to the ground. There was so little warning that some people were literally driving through fire for miles with only the clothes in their backs trying to escape. I can only imagine the intensity of grief mixed with relief and gratitude when they reached safety.

There are entire blocks of homes decimated by the fire. Across the street all the houses may have been spared. Maybe an entire block. Maybe only one house on that block still stands.

At least one person has died in the fire. A few people are missing.

The randomness of it all, I’m sure, hasn’t gone unnoticed by residents of that area. And it would be difficult to feel especially happy to have your home standing when all your neighbors have been devastated.

It has been painful to watch footage on TV and the internet. I’m not sure how somebody recovers from that. But they do.

And this all makes me think of two things. First, I am filled with gratitude. We are nowhere near the fire (at least not this one). I have never experienced the fear and confusion of such loss. My pets are here, my family is here, my friends are here. We are OK. We have everything we need, and as far as I can imagine, we that will all continue. But you never know.

A couple of weeks ago, when my husband and son were away for the weekend, Maddie and I were sitting quietly at home on a Saturday night when all of our smoke alarms began to sound. They are wired so that if one goes off, they ALL do automatically. It’s a good system, safety-wise, but pretty annoying when the cause is a steamy shower or my failure to turn on the fan when I’m cooking. Which I do regularly.

But this time nothing was happening. I was in my room putting laundry away. Maddie was in her room on her computer. I looked all around the house, opened the windows and doors as I usually do, but nothing would end the incessant, ear-splitting sound of those alarms. So, I thought, just to be safe, I’d call the fire department. What if something was smoldering in the walls?  I just needed those alarms to stop, and I truly believed there was nothing to worry about.

And there wasn’t. The firefighters arrived, did a thermal scan of the house, and while they were inside, the alarms magically ceased. I was calm and completely unfazed by the whole thing. Maddie and I took the dogs back inside and resumed our quiet evening.

Imagine the opposite happening. There is a fire in the distance. There is no report that you are in danger, no rush to evacuate. And then suddenly it’s almost too late. You are leisurely packing your family in the car to beat the fire, and then your house is engulfed in flames and you barely have time to get out. There are more than a few stories like that.

My life has been uneventful in that way, and for that I am grateful. My closest brush with death, if you want to call it that, was a rather harrowing boat ride in the Caribbean. Our boat was a little too small for the swelling seas, and although we made it safely to our destination, I wasn’t sure it was going to happen. I’m not a strong swimmer, so I kept imagining that if the boat capsized, I was going to be in trouble. But once it was all over, everything was fine. Nobody had even lost any sunglasses. It was eventful, to be sure, but in the end we were just left with memories of a potential problem. We all went home, had dinner and went to bed, and got up the next morning as if nothing had happened.

Second, I am reminded of the unpredictability of life. Some houses were hit by the fire. Others were not. The fire apparently started near a shed at someone’s home, according to reports. The shed looks relatively undamaged, but how unlucky for all those who lived in the path of destruction, whose lives were normal and potentially happy one day, and then in chaos the next. One day they’re making dinner at home, the next day they’re in a tent village set up for victims. One day they’re lamenting their wardrobes, and the next they’re wishing they had just another set of clothes to put on and maybe something to sleep in. One day they’re wondering how to pay the vet bills, and the next they’re searching for their dog lost in the fire.

When we first began the journey with Maddie, she was a little over 18 months old. It was overwhelming and a little frightening, to be honest. I was suddenly the mom of a kid who needed help. I hadn’t attached the words “special needs” to my child, but obviously she had them or we wouldn’t have been going to appointments every day of the week.

One of the many professionals we saw was a physical therapist, a service provided by the Marin County Office of Education. Any child who qualifies can receive free services, regardless of financial need. It’s part of the early intervention program that has proven so effective.

At first, Maddie wasn’t walking. She was awfully big to be crawling still, and sometimes it was embarrassing. Like that time I took her to a children’s concert at the Discovery Museum, and I overheard one mom say to another, pointing at Maddie, “She’s too big to be crawling!” She seemed disgusted…or something. I was probably three feet away. I felt terrible.

But then I got to the physical therapy classroom, and Maddie stood out in a different way. She was cute and smart and interested. And she was largely capable, just physically behind in her gross and fine motor skills. Many of the other kids I saw were in high-tech contraptions that supported their entire bodies, from their feet to their chins. They were kids that weren’t able to engage, either socially or physically. What I had to do with Maddie was just work, but I was confident she would catch up eventually.

I wondered if the other parents looked on us with envy, wondering what my cute little toddler was doing there. And once she started walking, I can’t imagine she looked disabled at all.

And there you have it, I thought to myself. I never once felt sorry for myself or lamented the work I had to do. But there were times when I was awfully tired and sometimes discouraged. And yet, it became clear, things could be a whole lot more difficult. I do not have a child that requires round-the-clock care, I recognized. She never required a machine of any kind to assist her, and she never would. She wasn’t talking yet, but I always had confidence that would come. And it has.

No matter your life circumstances, there is always somebody who has it worse, who has lost more, whose challenges are greater than yours. Maybe you lost your house, but the neighbor lost their home AND their dog. Or even a family member. Maybe you can’t pay your mortgage this month, but somebody, maybe even a neighbor, is going hungry.

For a child on the autism spectrum, Maddie is very high functioning. She is light and bright and friendly. She is happy and confident. You might not even realize she has Asperger’s. You might just think she’s quirky. And people like her! She has required a lot of help to get here, but she is here. And her life will continue to improve.

Today I picked Maddie up from school to give her a break from her often long cab ride home. Her special ed teacher was waiting with her and some of her classmates until they were all dispatched properly. As I pulled up, he waved at me. I rolled down my window. We were both feeling good about how Maddie is doing at her new school. “She’s doing great!” said Mr. L. “She’s coming to school every day!” He smiled and gave me a thumbs up.

“Yes!” I  agreed. “It’s going very well.” I had asked her this morning if she felt as if she were in the right place. She nodded and smiled a smile of content.

Even during the most difficult times–and there have been some VERY difficult times–I have so much to be grateful for. I have a kid with challenges, but she’s doing OK. And we have the resources to help her. We have an extended family who loves us. We have a home in a wonderful neighborhood. We have each other.

Life is good.

Learning to Read

Chris Irvine, Parent CoachLeave a comment

When Maddie was in second grade, we moved out of our house for a year during a massive remodel. When we found our rental, I knew immediately we were in trouble: There is a 7-11 right on the corner and we would pass it every day. I knew to expect requests to stop there for junk food every single time. I’m not obsessive about food, but neither do I want my kids to live on candy and chips. So I made a rule: We could go to 7-11 once a week. We decided on Friday after school. Making a big deal about not going on other days would cancel the Friday plan. I was such a genius!

I was hilariously optimistic about my plan.

One of Maddie’s favorite foods on this earth is Cheetos. She is a very choosy eater, with a small repertoire of acceptable foods. Cheetos are among them.

So one day I had my kids and my mom in the car. I had just remarked to my mom, “Maddie’s NEVER in a bad mood!” That’s mostly true. She’s a chipper kid.

And then, what we now refer to as The Cheetos Incident: Maddie asked me to stop for some Cheetos. “No, not today,” I said.

“Please, Mom,” she said.

“I said not today. We can go on Friday.”

“Please! Please!”

“No, Maddie,” I said, starting to get a little agitated.

“Could we please get some Cheetos?” she repeated.

This went on for a minute, maybe, and I got increasingly perturbed. My voice got a little louder, and I got more and more animated. I was trying to drive and deal with this incessant asking.

“Maddie, I’m getting very frustrated.”

Finally I said, very firmly, “MADDIE! If you don’t stop asking, you will lose screen privileges for the rest of the day! STOP ASKING ME!”

And then it was quiet. I exhaled a breath of relief. I had finally put this issue to rest. I had finally gotten through to her.

And then: “So, can we get some Cheetos?”

“Are you KIDDING ME?” was all I could conjure up.

It was both hilarious and discouraging at the same time.

Years later I would understand what happened.

When she was eleven or so, Maddie had a similar exchange with my husband. She repeatedly asked him for something, and I watched agitation increase as she continued to press the issue. Finally, he blew up. It was a short final exchange, and then he left the room. I turned to Maddie and said, “Maddie, you have to recognize when someone’s getting upset.”

The revelatory response: “Well, how can you tell?”

I couldn’t believe it. It explained everything. She just couldn’t see it coming, even though it seemed awfully clear to me. It was a slow build to a final expression of frustration, and she just had no idea what was coming.

That was a huge moment for me. I finally understood what I hadn’t before: She just didn’t have the natural ability to read emotions AT ALL. Or to predict the likely outcome. It was something we’ve worked hard to teach her. So did her psychologist and her social skills teacher.

So imagine my gratification after a particular phone call last weekend.

I called home at a rather unfortunate moment. My husband was taking the kids to a Giants game. Luckily on the weekends, the whole ferry experience is much easier because the usual commuters aren’t filling up the parking lot. Still, the line grows early, and if you want a seat on the deck, you ought to get there early. I called right at the mad scramble to leave. I talked to each kid and then wanted to have a brief conversation with my husband.

“He’s worked up,” said Maddie.

Yes, he’s worked up! I’m sure he was. It was my sister who pointed out the significance of that simple remark. She remembered the “how can i tell?” story.

I can’t say she can always read people. I mean, who can? But she has come so far.

I’m so proud of her. And so hopeful that she will continue to develop that ability.

The Magic of Tuesdays

Chris Irvine, Parent Coach1 Comment

Well, at least this Tuesday was magic.

The prior two Tuesdays, Maddie wouldn’t go to school. At all. My friend mentioned last week that Tuesdays are hard for her, too, because she really felt like the week was underway but there’s still a lot of it left. She really feels the work load of the week on Tuesday. I guess the weight of the week feels heaviest at that point. I’d never thought of it that way. Maybe that’s also true for Maddie. I don’t know that she could articulate it that well (my friend is an EXCELLENT articulator of her feelings), but it’s an interesting theory.

Unfortunately Tuesday will always be Tuesday. It will almost always be the second day of the school week, and likely the second day of her work week, so there’s no way around it. However much you might hate Tuesdays (or Mondays or whatever), you still have to get up and go. You have to do it anyway!

Since Monday was a day off, Tuesday was more like a Monday this week, and now it’s a Wednesday, so it seems we have escaped the Tuesday problem for once!

I will call the last two days successes on all fronts. Yesterday was a bit stressful as Maddie got up at the last minute and I had to put her shoes on her feet and tie them, in the interest of time. And homework was a little bit of a struggle because we were both pretty tired in the afternoon.  Even though yesterday was a bit stressful, I got her to school, which is my ultimate goal. And I didn’t have to lose my temper, which is a close second. Maybe they’re tied for first!

Today she got up in plenty of time and we had a leisurely morning. She was able to sit and eat breakfast and brush her hair and go outside before her taxi came. Woohoo! And then this evening she did her homework willingly, took a shower when she was asked (there were a couple new rolls of duct tape at stake, which helped). And she even stopped in the middle of an important project (using duct tape, of course) to get ready for bed. She was cheerful and cooperative and adorable and charming. Right now she’s upstairs singing loudly to a Florence and the Machine song. Life is good.

Maddie doesn’t know why she was motivated today, so there’s no way to know how to repeat our success. I just rejoice in the good days, as always.

Of course I’m kidding about any magic being involved with any of this. Everyone has good days and bad days. We all hesitate to get out of bed sometimes, or eschew responsibilities because we’re just not up to taking them on. There may be an identifiable reason. Or not.

We’re working on pushing through those times. Just doing it anyway.  I guess those are the days I should really rejoice in–the ones when she’s reluctant and tired but gets up anyway. When she’s too tired, but does her homework anyway. Those are the days when Maddie will learn grit, and learn to do it anyway.

When she was younger, writing anything at all was probably her worst enemy. I think there were just too many aspects to conquer – both thinking up what to write, and then the physical act of writing it down. Her fine motor skills were weak and her pencil grip was terrible, so her hand would get fatigued quickly. And abstract thinking of any kind was nearly impossible for her. So when she would come home with a writing assignment, the homework session would inevitably dissolve into panic and tears. A blank piece of paper was the worst possible thing she could face.

So I figured something out to help her: Fold the piece of paper in half. Then the blank paper looked more manageable. I called it “Maddie-sized.” That seemed to relieve some of the stress, at least enough to allow her to write down something. Anything, even if it wasn’t much or wasn’t particularly good. My goal was to get her over the hump, to let her build enough confidence to not be so paralyzed by this very important activity.

Over the years, she has developed a passion for writing. Can you believe it? She still isn’t crazy about expository writing, or any kind of compulsory writing. But she spends her time in the taxi writing stories on her phone. It can be an awfully long ride, so I offered to pick her up from school instead, but she insists she likes it. She enjoys the writing time. That is what I call a success!

And that is how I look at our journey together. Success doesn’t lie in the things that come easily. It also doesn’t necessarily lie in conquering something, achieving anything, or winning anything. Success comes when times are tough and you make it through. When you think you can’t do something but try it anyway. When you are afraid, and then you try it and eventually find out you might even like it.

It also comes in building a solid relationship with your kid. “You’re adorable,” I tell Maddie. “You are too,” she says to me. She smiles and hugs me tightly, making sure both of us are standing up for the maximum possible contact. We squeeze each other. We appreciate each other. And we both know it. I guess if I never make any more progress with Maddie, I can still be proud of that. And happy.

So this week has been successful. I’m happy and proud and hopeful. More successes will come if we keep trying. Maybe this will be one of those times when good days turn into an entire good week. But if not, that’s OK. We’ll keep plugging away.

Back to School Night

Chris Irvine, Parent Coach2 Comments

Last week I went to Back to School Night at Maddie’s new school. I gave myself almost 90 minutes to get there, even though it’s normally only a 20 minute drive, because I had to travel in prime rush hour. I hate to be late, especially when my destination is out of my comfort zone. I didn’t feel like going at all because I’m so exhausted but it seemed important to at least set eyes on the new adults in her life. If they’re offering information, I’m taking it!

I parked a couple blocks away for an easy exit and headed to campus nearly 30 minutes early, thinking I’d be the first person to arrive. Well, the school was already buzzing! Parents and teachers were gathered in small and large groups, catching up with each other, munching on burritos they were selling to feed all those people who probably came right from work. I looked around. I didn’t know a single person. Not even a familiar face. I was a little overwhelmed, to be honest. I am so entrenched in my local school community, I haven’t felt this sense of newness and cluelessness since Maddie started kindergarten. Where are my people? I thought. I need my people! 

I became very aware of how Maddie must feel there. Nearly a thousand kids, very few of whom she knows, crowd the halls between classes, talking, going from class to class as if they’ve done it a thousand times. Because they have. New teachers who don’t know her face. A whole established community with a long history of which she is not a part. That was me. Hundreds of parents who knew each other, jamming up the halls, making it difficult for me to get around. Up the hall, down the hall, across campus, and back. I was uncomfortable and self-conscious and subdued.

Before the parents set off to meet the teachers, everyone convened in the gym for a welcome. The principal and various other administration personnel and volunteers made short speeches, and we were off to follow our child’s schedule for the evening. Ten minutes in each class. I’d only been on that campus maybe three or four times, so I wasn’t sure where everything was. A number of times I approached a student for directions. Where do I go? Where is the bathroom? When is this over?  I bet those questions have crossed Maddie’s mind a few times.

My first visit was to Maddie’s special ed class. I’ve met Mr. L several times and exchanged emails and phone calls. I know him a little, and he knows me. Oh boy did that feel good. Also, he’s such a wonderful, concerned, flexible, engaging, kind person. Yes, I thought. This is good. I am relaxed. I’m sure Maddie is too when she’s here.

Then it was off to geometry, drama and PE. Three fabulous teachers who are clearly passionate about what they’re doing and seemed to be fun and engaging. Then back to Mr. L’s class twice. There I finally ran into a couple I’d met once before. Phew! Somebody I know! Finally, the moment I’d been waiting for, science class. Maddie LOVES her science teacher, Mr. K. She loves science already, so having an interesting teacher with whom she really connects might spark her interest even more. That’s just what she needs! A spark of interest to motivate her.  Last week she brought in two of her homemade swords (duct tape!!) to show him. Clearly they have something special.

At the end of the evening, I was elated. This is a special school. There is a real passion for teaching and developing students and preparing them for success. Maddie’s primary classroom is safe, comforting, and accepting. And even though I’m not yet a part of it, I sensed a strong sense of community there.

As we move through this school year, I know we will have good days and bad days. Sometimes I will feel confident and secure in Maddie’s future, and other times I will feel discouraged and wonder what we should be doing instead. I may look into alternatives sometimes. Other times I must just lock myself in my room, close my eyes and breathe. What I should do is revisit this blog post. I need to remind myself that anybody might feel overwhelmed sometimes at a big new school, so that I can have both patience and empathy for Maddie. I also need to remember that Maddie is indeed in good hands when she’s not at home.

Here I am, three weeks in, still hoping and not knowing what will happen tomorrow. But I did get one thing I hoped for, and that is a good, safe place for my daughter. Now I hope the rest falls into place.