thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Detour

Chris Irvine, Parent CoachLeave a comment

Thanksgiving almost didn’t include Maddie this year. Thankfully our family knows how to be flexible or she would have stayed home while the rest of us–including the dog–would have enjoyed a nice family day out of town.

The week started with two days of school. Well, one school day in the end since Maddie skipped school Monday but somehow managed to get herself there even though the next day was a Tuesday. Wednesday was a day off, and Maddie devoted herself to Minecraft. She didn’t want to do anything else, and I was happy to let her chill out. I did want her to take a shower, though, in preparation for Thursday. “I’ll do it in the morning,” she said. Yeah, sure.

I got up Thursday morning before anybody else because I had some cooking to finish. Also, with five people living here now, all in need of a morning shower, I knew that getting mine out of the way early was the way to go.

Because I was working in the kitchen, I asked Jake (my husband) to make sure Maddie got up and took a shower. I knew it would be a challenge because it always is. I had woken her up but she hadn’t moved. And after Jake had tried to stir her, I went to check on her as well. There she was, flopped down awkwardly on her bed as if she had just collapsed there. Perhaps she had.

Oh, no. Here we go. 

Not only was a shower off the table, as far as Maddie was concerned, so was going anywhere.  She was going to skip the whole thing.

Oh, hell no, I thought. I am flexible to a fault, but I wasn’t going to let her skip this one. She would be missing cousins she rarely sees, and I am trying to impress upon her the importance of spending time with her grandparents. Nobody’s getting any younger, and her grandparents–on both sides–happen to be among her biggest fans. This was not going to go her way. I felt my body tense and my mind focus on getting Maddie out the door. I wasn’t going to let this go any other way.

Much before I was willing to give in, Jake let her off the hook for the shower. “Just put on a hat,” he told her. I thought she was pretty gross, and I really wanted her to clean up, but he was right. Priorities!

Still, however, she wasn’t budging.

“I want to go to Party City,” she declared. Party City is a party supply store that happens to be located somewhat on the way to my in-laws’ house, where we were headed.

“I’ll tell you what. If you go with us today, I’ll take you there this weekend. I promise.”

“I want to go TODAY.”

“They’re not open today,” I said.

“How do you know?”

“They’re just not. Pretty much every store is closed today.”

I pulled up the number for the store and called in order to prove it. No answer, of course, but that wasn’t enough to convince Maddie. Then a lightbulb moment. “Well, we can drive there and see,” I offered. “If it’s open, you can go in for ten minutes.” Ha! Then we would be in the car and on our way and she would be stuck!

So she got dressed and got in the car and the whole family plus the dog were on our way to Thanksgiving dinner at with my in-laws. Victory!

Party City is a few minutes out of the way, but we drove there anyway, knowing full well that it wouldn’t be open. For a moment my husband tried to convince Maddie that the detour was pointless, ensuring her the store would be closed, but Maddie still wouldn’t concede. And I quickly ended that conversation. I knew we had to go. It was just part of being Maddie’s family that day. A drive out of the way to a store we knew would be closed sounds so useless, but it was the magic that needed to happen.

As predicted, we pulled into an empty parking lot. Maddie still wasn’t convinced. When she could see the lights were off, she finally gave in. Okay, it’s closed. Fortunately, although she was disappointed, she accepted the situation gracefully, especially after I promised her I would take her in the next day or two.

We had a nice long visit with our family. Maddie enjoyed her cousins and the superb homemade macaroni and cheese and brownies that supplemented the usual Thanksgiving menu. She was happy.

That night, as I tucked her into bed, I asked, “Did you have a good time today?”

“Yes!”

I knew the answer to that question before I asked. I wish that next time she doesn’t want to go somewhere I could remind her of her hesitation today and the positive outcome and it would make an impact. But it won’t. I’ll probably have to take a detour to Party City or coax her into the car some other way.

That’s just how it is. In times like this, I’m just grateful that SOMETHING worked. Something, anything.

Thanks for a Bunch of Stuff

Chris Irvine, Parent CoachLeave a comment

It’s the day before Thanksgiving. I’m busy cooking away. The first thing I’m thankful for, though, is that I’m not hosting. Several years ago I made my first and last Thanksgiving turkey. That sucker was vile, in my opinion. I have decided that any meat I eat needs to look as little as possible like the animal from which it came. I should probably be a vegetarian, but a little meat here and there is just so darned delicious. Especially bacon. And not so much turkey, anyway.

I’m also making spaghetti with meat sauce for tonight’s dinner. I discovered I like cooking so much more when (1) it feels totally optional, (2) lots of people are going to eat it and hopefully rave about my cooking, (3) I don’t have to clean up (that remains to be seen), and (4) I have music to listen to. Jamming to my Amazon Prime streaming music on the Amazon Echo (product plug!), so tonight it’s all good.

I have hosted Thanksgiving since what I will call the Turkey Incident (only because a turkey happened here), but I had vowed that any turkey served at my house must arrive here already cooked. Or at least not seen or handled raw by me. And, as it turned out, everybody was up for something different anyway, so I made filet mignon one year and meatballs in a creamy tomato sauce last year. Both were delicious and I don’t think anybody missed the usual fare. Also most people probably had it elsewhere on another day, so I didn’t feel bad at all.

We will be having the whole turkey business tomorrow, but today I’m just making about 172 pounds of  Brussels sprouts (with bacon!), chocolate chip cookies, and some guacamole. And then we get to drive about 45 minutes to mess up somebody else’s house. I’m stoked.

The second thing I’m thankful for is my weird and wonderful family. I often despair that my kids are such polar opposites that doing anything together as a family is a real challenge. Tempers flare on those occasions, too. It can be stressful and depressing for me as the mom. But one thing we all do together so well is laugh. We love to crack jokes, make sarcastic comments, dance funny dances and play slightly inappropriate card games (now that we have teens in the house, that is). We laugh so much. Humor has always been central to my life experience. I would rather laugh or make you laugh or laugh at myself than just about anything. And we do that. A lot.

This applies to my extended family as well. Whenever we get together, my niece Maggie makes sure we play some games. A year or two ago we started playing a game (it’s really just more of an activity because nobody wins or loses). Everybody has a paper and pen and for two minutes everybody writes the beginning of a story. When the time is up, everybody passes their paper to the left and the next person continues where the previous person left off. Everyone writes furiously for two minutes. And in the end we inevitably have a collection of stories that range from funny to tear-inducingly hilarious. It turns out everybody in my family is not only hilarious but also creative. You can usually tell what Maddie wrote because she often gets stuck on a phrase (for a long time it was “flaring butt cheeks”). And I always thought I was the funny one. 😦

(An extra little shout=out of gratitude for my niece, Rachel, who is gracing my life with her wonderful self right now.)

I’m also thankful for the family I married into. I am one of those lucky women who adores her mother-in-law. It’s mutual, it’s safe to say. She’s kind and fun and honest and open and a true friend. She and my father-in-law have always treated me with such kindness, love and respect. I’m proud to be part of that family.

I’m also thankful for all my friends. My life is full of the best women. My oldest friendship is with Melinda–34 years of friendship and counting. She and her husband Jonathan successfully played matchmaker about 19 years ago, and the result is my marriage of 17 years (so far) and two crazy kids. Another result is a four-way friendship among us that is one of the greatest joys of my life. Jonathan is my husband’s childhood friend, so the history between us is unusual and deep. Our families are intertwined and our friendships are the best combination of friendship and family. We spent the evening together last weekend, and, as always, I laughed and laughed. I also didn’t want to stop hugging them.

I have so many wonderful friendships, and that term is really meaningful to me. Friendship means a close connection, being there in spirit if not in body. It means holding the other person wherever they may be. It means doing what you can to help, whether it’s picking up their kids, hanging out having an afternoon glass of wine while we try to solve each other’s problems, or sending a message of support in difficult times even if there are 3,000 miles between us. From the friends I made in high school and college and grad school across the country, to all the awesome women I’ve met through my children, I love and cherish them all.

I have so many other things to be thankful for. This beautiful place I live in, the community I’ve become so much a part of, the resources to help our special needs kid (we are SO lucky), a roof over my head, food on the table. I have everything I need and so much more. Despite the stress I write about so much (and it is real), the truth is I’m very happy. I have so much to be grateful for. And every day, not just today, I am grateful.

Last week I was snuggling up with my seventh-grader at bedtime. “We talked about gratitude in class today,” he told me. “Studies show that people who are grateful are happier.” He clarified: “It’s not that happy people are more grateful. It’s being grateful that makes you happy.”

I think he can move onto eighth grade now. Or maybe straight into adulthood. He has learned the biggest lesson of all. Focus on gratitude, and you will be happier.

So Happy Thanksgiving, all. May the gratitude you feel tomorrow and throughout the season stay with you forever. And may you laugh tomorrow at least half as much as I will.